PPC: 'Angels and Demons'
by Brother Raven
Summary: Agents Grey and VJ are members of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. Their goal is simple: no Mary Sue is allowed to live. This time, their target has invaded the Potterverse.
1. Chapter 1

_I do not own the PPC; all the glory and honour goes to the wonderful duo of Jay and Acacia._ Harry Potter _is the magnificent creation of Her Majesty_ _the Queen_ _J.K. Rowling. Agent Grey's home continuum,_ The Mortal Instruments _is owned by Cassandra Clare. This fan-fiction,_ Angelsong _, was written by Stargold and they are more than welcome to keep it away from me._

 **Warning:** Definitely NSFW/NSFB.

Thanks to Desdendelle, Iximaz, Voyd, the Irish Samurai, and Tira for being the best Betas!  
Special thanks to son_of_heaven176 for bringing some Latin to the whole thing.

"Will? William, come here!" VJ's voice could be heard in the entire Response Centre and possibly in the hallway. She had her hands crossed over her chest and was tapping her foot nervously. "WILL!"

"Bloody hell, woman, keep your pipes down! I can hear ya!" a sleepy voice replied, and William slowly appeared in a doorframe. He was wearing loose pyjama trousers, furry yellow slippers, and a plain white vest. His red hair was in complete disarray and there were bags under his eyes. Not to mention a suspicious red mark, visible way too clearly on his ivory skin.

"Can you explain _this_?" VJ threw something small and red at him. The warlock nonchalantly grabbed the pair of lace panties from his face and looked at it. His expression didn't change; no blushing, no uneasiness, nothing.

"The reason you were back so late yesterday?" VJ asked.

"Uh-hm."

"Luxury?"

"Yep."

"And you didn't invite me?!"

This time, the answer didn't come as fast. "...Run that by me again?"

"I asked, why didn't you guys—"

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]

Hearing the alarm suddenly going off, VJ jumped slightly. "That blasted sound always gets me."

"So, what do we have?" William asked, going back to their bedroom, looking through his wardrobe. He then returned, wearing a green t-shirt with BETTER THAN GANDALF printed on it in golden letters, dark tight-fit jeans, high boots and a brown frock overcoat. He also had his trusty bag strapped to his side.

"A _Harry Potter_ one, but don't think you're gonna weasel out of our talk," VJ replied, checking the summary. Her eyes suddenly went big and she backed away from the console.

"What's with the cliché gesture of shock?" William definitely was surprised; it wasn't VJ's style to react so suddenly at things – she was the more stoic of their team.

"Listen to this." The girl cleared her throat and read the summary aloud: "The half-angel half-demon Azriel finds herself caught up in the plans of Dumbledore to destroy the Death Eaters, and assembles a crew of elite student hitmen to achieve their goals."

"Sounds like fun. Let me get some stuff." William opened a drawer, putting various bottles and small jars into his bag. "We're dealin' with an angel – I have a chance to do some experimentin'."

"Grab a Crash Dummy, while you're at it," VJ said, looking at the summary. She then walked up to the coffee table and grabbed her hockey stick. "We have a first-person perspective fic on our hands."

* * *

 **A/N.: Okay, so this was my first PPC mission with William Grey and Venus 'VJ' Jones. You can learn more about the PPC on my profile page. I hope you folks will enjoy this mission, and I'll see you in the next chapter!**


	2. Chapter 2

The portal transported the agents to a Generic Bedroom. Of course, being a Harry Potter story, it turned out to be the Gryffindor Tower. Most of the furniture and decorations were blurry and coloured with a dull mixture of scarlet and grey. Apparently, the Author didn't even bother to describe things properly. After the agents made sure the Dummy had inflated, they stepped into what looked like the girls' bedroom. It was empty, as the classes were probably already in-session, but one figure was still covered by a Generic Bed Sheet.

"Is that her?" William whispered, pointing at the sleeping figure. "Well, we can pacify her right now and be done with it."

"As much as I'd love to get the job done quickly, we really need to charge her first," VJ replied. She grabbed her partner's wrist and pulled him behind another Generic Bed. "Come on, it's starting."

 **I sighed and ruffled my wings as I got up out of bed and looked from side to side. I growled and slammed my hand down on the alarm clock as it went off, and flung my covers off of me and onto the floor.**

VJ rolled her eyes. "First of all, alarm clocks at Hogwarts? No. I swear, if she sleeps naked..." she hissed, and wrote a charge for having wings. William only flinched; although he was no prude, and sometimes nudity had its charms, he had an unpleasant flashback to when, out of sheer curiosity, he'd read the mission report about a certain badfic where naked minors were something completely normal.

The agents had to move to another cover in order to avoid being spotted by the Sue who **went into the bathroom and brushed** her **hair, smiling as** she **examined** her **appearance in the mirror.**

"I don't remember the dorms havin' built-in bathrooms," William said.

"It is implied, but not stated anywhere," said VJ. They didn't go after the Sue, deciding to read the Words instead. At the same time, William wrote a charge for the classic, and overused, using-a-mirror-to-describe-appearance cliché. In terms of the wings, mentioned before, the Sue announced that one of them was grey, while the other one was mechanical because something that happened in her orphanage.

"First of all, did she skin a zebra and make a wig out of its pelt? Next, a mechanical wing? It's too much, even for me."

"Also, a charge for Harry Potter cliché number five: orphanage," VJ added and passed her little Moleskine notebook over to William. The agents flinched and exchanged their trademarked WTF Glance no. 3 when the Sue described her **sharp, venomous fangs** that she inherited from her father.

"From this we can assume _all_ her teeth are fangs." For some reason, William was more than eager to spot all the smallest charges. VJ noticed the small signs: biting the lower lip, squinting, and nervous finger-tapping against the notebook's cover.

"Oh, just wait until she gets to the eyes," said VJ, checking the Words again. William was about to ask what she was talking about, but then the Sue stated that her eyes were currently **glowing angel gold, although when** she **was more demon than angel they glowed demon-blood red.** On top of that, she said she **was also very beautiful.**

"Anything here sounds familiar?" VJ noticed that William's eyes almost popped out of their sockets and he clutched the pencil so hard it snapped in half. She figured this detail would make him realize something.

"The angels from my home continuum all have golden eyes, yes." William's voice was now calm. "And demons, at least my ol' man, have red. You think she's a stray from my world?"

"I wonder," she replied. It could've been just a coincidence, but there was a slight chance she was a scrapped crossover Sue who had found her way into the _Harry Potter_ canon. If that was the case, it would make her much more difficult to pacify. The Sue finally stopped admiring herself when a voice in her head announced she was going to be late.

"What the... she's Deadpool now?" VJ looked quizzically at her partner, who only shook his head with disappointment.

"Even worse," William said, pointing at the Words. **It was Lyte, the unicorn spirit that** the Sue's **dad had given** her **as a spirit guide (as a gift) when** she **had been accepted into Hogwarts.**

"Okay, that's going to be problematic." VJ raised her eyebrows. "I can understand having a unicorn as a pet – although that by itself would be a charge – but a sealed soul?! How do we even qualify this as? A Cute Animal Friend? A Battle Beast?"

"Whatever this is, there's more of it," William said, when the Sue went on to describe her _other_ spirit guide, Shaede the she-dragon. **She had died many years before and served as** the Sue's **dad's faithful servant for a while before she was also given to** her **as a spirit guide when** she **was accepted into Hogwarts.**

"Oh, come on! She basically said the same thing, just changing the name!"

"I think we've just experienced _déjà moo_..."

"Don't you mean déjà _vu_?"

"No, déjà moo. It happens when you encounter the same type o' bullshit twice."

The Sue quickly got dressed, worrying about how she was going to get to her Potions class on time, but then she found the obvious solution. She stormed out of the Gryffindor Tower and then **shapeshifted into a unicorn, something that** she **could do because of Lyte's prescence, and ran through the halls to the dungeon.**

This event left the agents quite dumbstruck. William was about to write new charges when he witnessed the Sue's morphing. Both of them were now staring at the Gryffindor Tower's entrance, unable to say anything.

William finally broke the silence. "What the bloody hell was that?!"

"This was at least... _at least_ three charges at once." VJ stretched out her fingers while she listed the charges. "One, possessing the gift of morphing. Two, shapeshifting into a magical creature. And three, channelling the power of a unicorn spirit." She looked at her partner. "Do you think she can do the same with her dragon spirit?"

"I hope not. I don't feel like fightin' a dragon today." William said. Although dragons in this world were bad enough, dragon demons from his home continuum were much more intelligent and vicious.

When the agents left the Gryffindor Common Room, William leaned against the handrail. "Actually, how is she gallopin' down the stairs like that? She would fall flat after the first set o' stairs."

"I don't even want to know, man." VJ grabbed her Remote Activator, setting up the coordinates for a portal. "I'll just transport us to the dungeons."

The agents arrived in a poorly lit classroom. The lesson was already in-session and it looked pretty Generic; improperly described characters were moving mechanically, pretending to perform actions and, since the timeframe wasn't specified, their features were changing between young and old.

After the agents found a spot to hide in, the Sue barged in and the scene finally gained some details. She **sat down at** her **stool and waited for instructions.**

"Good Sue, sit." William snorted, imitating training a dog. "No, don't hump the main character."

VJ snickered and joined him. "Down girl, down. Let us kill you."

Severus Snape turned out to be fairly in-character, aside from addressing the Sue by her first name. Naturally, she had to come up with some lame, whiny response. As soon as she stood up, William and VJ exchanged glances.

" **You don't know what it's like to be born to the demon lord Apollyon and archangel Gabriel** ," she exclaimed. VJ looked at William, looking for some kind of explanation; she vaguely knew stuff about religion but his expression had all the information she needed.

"Hold on, hold on... Time out." William made a T sign with his hands. "Is she seriously tryin' to claim her folks to be Gabriel and... who's the other one?"

"Apollo... no, Apollyon, or something," said VJ, as the Sue started her angry monologue about being **half one race and half another, and be oppressed by both**. "Doesn't ring a bell?"

William shook his head. "Never been a good demonologist, myself. The only clue we have is that the Sue's wings and fangs are definitely not angelic. Maybe I'll remember somethin' later."

The Sue continued her rant for a while, pointing out that Snape was a Death Eater, whining over how she was persecuted for having two fathers, and mocking Snape's potion skills. At least, during that rant, a time period could finally be established: after fourth year, since the Sue mentioned that Voldemort had returned.

Suddenly, **Harry leaped up and cheered** for the Sue. The agents exchanged glances and almost in unison shook their heads. After that, the Sue's spirits talked about how hot young Potter was, but she interrupted them by saying (or thinking) that she was an **ace when** **more angel,** and they **can discuss hot guys when** she would be **more demon and straight.**

"Do I even need to say anythin'?" William could almost _hear_ VJ's eyes rolling.

Finally, Snape got fed up with the Sue's lecture, deducted a combined amount of seven hundred points from Gryffindor, and sent both the Sue and Harry to the Headmaster's office.

"What's with badfics and the ridiculous amount o' points bein' taken?" William asked. "I remember the highest ever sum deducted for a single person was fifty."

"Don't question the Sue's reality," VJ said, as she slowly rose from her seat. "Let's just go after them."

As soon as Harry and the Sue left the dungeons and moved to a Generic Courtyard, William and VJ hid behind a Generic Column. Harry then asked the question everyone who ever read the badfic had wondered about:

" **So, how'd you become a witch since your dads are an angel and demon? Don't wizards and witches need to be human or at least have been human at one point?"**

"Thank you, Harry, but I'm still gonna question your sanity, since you're accepting the existence of demons and angels in your world so easily," VJ said. In the meantime, William pointed their CAD at Harry. The device hummed quietly and displayed the data.

[HARRY JAMES POTTER. HUMAN. MALE. CANON. OOC LEVEL: 45%]

"Okay, let's hear her story." VJ risked peeking around the column. The Sue told Harry how one of her fathers struck a deal with Azrael, an angel who apparently watches over witches and wizards. It was because of Azrael that the Sue could perform magic.

William only shook his head, when VJ looked at him for fact confirmation. "Azrael is _not_ a patron of magic." Even though his voice was calm, VJ noticed the slight twitching of his right eye, and his fingers gripping tightly the sleeve of his coat. "He... and I repeat, _he_ , is the Archangel of Death, who holds the records of every human's birth and death date!"

The conversation kept on going, with the Sue explaining how the Archangels managed to find her location; they felt the vibes of a Hell Princess. Apparently, the Sue's official title was **'Princess of Heaven and Hell'.**

"Oh, brilliant." VJ rubbed her temples. "She went there, didn't she? She _really_ went there? Not only declaring herself a princess – she also claimed to have any kind of right to rule Heaven and Hell?"

But the real nail in the coffin was Harry's reply.

 **"You know, it's kinda interesting, I was abused by the Dursleys too, because my parents died. But I mean, your story sounds more tragic. I mean, it wasn't your parents fault they couldn't raise me. Mine openly defied Voldemort. I mean, I love them even if they're dead, but maybe if they just cowered down to him, they wouldn't have died and I could be normal and we could all be a happy family, a normal family. That would be cool."**

William felt his side pocket heating in a rapid manner, but it was the smoke coming out of it that made him take the CAD out. The device was completely toast, displaying a smiley face with X-es instead of eyes, and a tongue sticking out.

VJ's mouth was hanging open. "Did... did Harry _fucking_ Potter just..."

"Said it'd be better if his folks joined Voldemort?" William finished her thought. "Looks like it."

"Blasphemy... OF THE HIGHEST ORDER!"

"Venus, shh! You're gettin' a little too— shite!" The agents had to hug the wall as the Sue turned to see who made such a noise. With one hand clasped over VJ's mouth, William didn't even dare to take a peek. They couldn't afford a mistake this big on their first mission together.

"Everything alright, Azriel?" Not!Harry asked.

"Yeah, I think so," the Sue replied. "So, you were saying?"

 **"Your dads sound cool." He said as** they **approached the door to Dumbledoor's office.** The Sue opened the door and she and Harry disappeared behind them. As soon as that happened, William and VJ left their cover and went towards the Generic Courtyard. There, on a Generic Bench, a mini-Aragog was relaxing in the sun.

"Mmmmffff..." VJ mumbled trying to wiggle away from William's grasp. The warlock finally removed his hand and let his partner sit on the bench, shoving the mini aside.

"I'm fine," VJ said.

"Are you sure?" the warlock asked. "You were way too close to goin' barkin'. I know you have a high tolerance for badfics, so what's the problem?"

"Nothing." VJ rubbed her temples. Her breathing stabilized, and her voice wasn't shaky anymore. "I can manage. I'm sorry, William."

"Look, if it's about that thing with Luxury—"

"No, that thing's a trifle," she replied. "It's just... see, I grew up reading _Harry Potter_. I think it was the first book I started reading on my own, when I was just a kid. To see him being warped so much... I guess you could say I almost Snape'd."

The pun hit William so unexpectedly he didn't even have time to stifle a snort. "Puns, really? You go through a shocking experience and the first thing you do after it is crackin' a joke? I sometimes can't read you, Miss Jones."

VJ smiled and rested her head on William's shoulder. "You should know better. Luxury will join a convent before I let a mediocre badfic like this get the best of me. Come on, let's go after them."

"There's no way I'm lettin' you near them right now. We're watchin' chapter two in the Room o' Requirement."


	3. Chapter 3

The Room of Requirement had everything the agents needed. Apart from a place to sleep and a small bookshelf, it also contained a wide but shallow basin filled with transparent liquid. It looked very similar to the Pensieve, but there were no memory vials to be found.

VJ cocked her head to the side. "Will, did you ask the Room for some kind of magical thingamabob?"

"It's a scryin' pool." The warlock walked towards the basin and waved his hand over its surface. "How much of the story have we missed?"

VJ took a look at the Words. "Not a whole lot, by the looks of it. Just Dumbledore with McGonagall... oh, look at that, the dragon spirit thinks Minerva's sexy." The agents exchanged glances and both mimicked gagging.

"Don't even want to picture that," VJ said.

"Agreed. Maybe when she was younger, but the current McGonagall? No, thank you."

"Oh, and this is where we learn that her unicorn is gay, and the dragon is bi." Also, the Sue once again had to mention she was ace and straight.

"A'right, all I need to know." William waved his hand over the pool's surface again. This time, the motion left a smoky green trail and the liquid displayed the inside of Dumbledore's office from bird's eye view. "We're doin' it live."

When Harry and the Sue sat down, Professor McGonagall had pulled out a pen, clipboard, and some paper. Dumbledore, or what should've been him, lectured Harry and completely forgot to do the same for the Sue. He warned Harry that, if he misbehaved one more time, he would be expelled from Hogwarts and the Dursleys would have an excuse to kick him out of their house. As a result, without the protection of Hogwarts, nothing would stop Voldemort from killing Harry.

"Oh, Dumbledore would never say that, even as a joke," VJ groaned, as William wrote another charge.

"All that lecture for Harry, and just one sentence of warnin' for Azriel?"

"Yeah, and what's with this _you're a half-angel, you should know better_ crap? Does Albus seriously expect her to be Hogwarts' patron saint, or something?"

Dumbledore calmed the Sue down, and told her she would receive no punishment. Instead, it turned out it was him who messed around with her alarm clock so she would be late to the class, would get into an argument with Snape, and eventually be sent to Dumbledore's office. Dumbledore then proceeded to inform them about an unfortunate situation here at Hogwarts. Apparently, there were spies at the school – students, who had been persuaded to join Voldemort. Also, because **Azkaban has fallen under the sway of the Dark Lord,** imprisoning the spies was pointless.

 **"Let me guess, the spy is that asshole Draco Malfroy." Harry spat the name like it was venom.**

"Wow, he literally did." William pointed at the floor before Harry, where a pale green puddle of liquid was bubbling. Sometimes, it formed the words _Draco Malfroy_. A mini-Aragog manifested next to the agents. VJ tapped in the coordinates for the Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy, and shoved the mini through the portal.

Dumbledore, however, shook his head. He told the two that they were chosen for a special mission because of their special assets. The Sue – being a half-angel, a half-demon, and a witch – was apparently powerful, blessed and nigh immortal. Harry, on the other hand, was very close to the spy mentioned before.

If VJ was drinking something, it would definitely come out as a spit-take right now. "Wait, what?! _Nigh-immortal?!_ How are we suppose to kill her, then?!"

"Don't worry," William said, " _immortal_ doesn't equal _invincible_. And yes, I'm speakin' from experience."

When the Sue named Ron Weasley as her suspect, William rolled his eyes.

"A Sue bashin' Ron? No, that never happened before." The sarcasm in his voice was almost visible.

"Ready to charge for Ron-the-Death-Eater cliché?"

 **Dumbledore shook his head, and I could see a single tear drop from his eye. "No." He answered, letting out a sigh. "Hermione Granger."**

VJ blinked. "Well... that's a new one. A charge nonetheless, but a new one."

"Not only that," said William. "You remember Hermione's blood status, right?"

"Muggle-born." VJ nodded. "Why does that… Oh! Oh, of course! Damn, I'm stupid. Hermione joining Voldemort is like the Doctor having a Dalek for a companion!"

"Someone's forgettin' about Rusty." William smiled, and VJ gave him a bump to the shoulder.

"Exception to the rule. Doesn't count."

The Sue asked what was the plan: How could they possibly ambush Hermione and take her down? Dumbledore told them that he had ordered to build a computer lab in the castle, and that he was going to introduce a new class, called 'Muggle Technology', with Harry and the Sue as teachers. He was sure that Hermione, being a model student, would be eager to attend it.

"Muggle technology at Hogwarts?" William scratched his chin.

"It's not a bad idea to teach them theory, but I doubt a computer lab in the 1990s would be possible. Especially not in a magical setting."

 **The headmaster slid an AK-47 out onto the desk over which they were conversing. "During your first lesson, you will be teaching them about assault rifles. Azriel, you will hold it, seeing as you've had less experience with the Muggle world than Harry has. You'll then 'accidently' shoot Hermione with it, and we'll pass it off as an 'accident'. Problem solved. It's perfect."**

"Wait a second, he gave them a _Kalashnikov_? I'm sorry, why is Dumbledore a bloody mob boss now?"

"Oh, that's cheap, even _we_ don't get to use guns!" VJ groaned, clearly disappointed. The Sue then asked if they were going to get paid for eliminating Hermione. She explained that, because she was now in her demon mode, she was more greedy and selfish. Apparently, **it was a demon thing.**

"Hey!" William grumbled, but then he noticed VJ's expression. "What?"

"You know, it does kinda sound like you," she said. "Maybe it is a demon thing?"

After making sure that there was nothing more to the plan, Dumbledore sent Harry and the Sue to do their job saying, **"Good luck, my little hitmen."**

"Mafia!Dumbledore, much?"

"Seems like it," VJ said. "We may wanna check out the Headmaster's office later and look for a plothole with Albus Dumbledore stuck in it. Also, we need to be with them in that chapter. If they kill Hermione, we must secure her."

"Fine then, here we go. _**Chapter 3: Death Eater's Demise**_."


	4. Chapter 4

The chapter started with Harry and the Sue in an empty classroom. The Generic Computers provided good cover for the agents. The Sue **took a deep breath, somewhat nervous, as** she **carefully fingered the AK-47** (VJ barely managed to stifle a giggle). She went into yet another internal monologue on how killing Hermione, without even investigating her supposed allegiance to Voldemort, would benefit everyone. Even though the Sue was currently in her angel form, she had no objections to killing but apparently it bothered her that **somebody that** she **had grown up with could betray** them **all in such a way. How could she betray** them **all to Voldemort?** Harry then proceeded to praise the Sue for her shooting skills, and comfort her because he also didn't feel like killing Hermione. He got over it quickly, however, and said that they were not gonna let Dumbledore down.

"The real Dumbledore is rollin' in his plothole, right now."

"We need to look for it once we're done," VJ reminded her partner.

The Sue then flew **a few feet into the air with an Expo marker** and **wrote** her **name near the top of the board, far out of the way of where Harry would write his.**

"As if she needs to prove her superiority anymore."

"Shit! Portal! Now!" VJ clutched onto William's forearm and pushed a couple of buttons, quickly transporting them outside the empty classroom. Just in time, too; the Sue **decided to walk around the classroom, checking all the computers to make sure that they worked.**

"Good call," the warlock said. He pressed his head against the door, and asked VJ to keep on checking the Words, and the observation continued.

The lesson then started and the students suddenly appeared in the classroom. This also gave the agents a chance to return to the classroom and blend with the group. The Sue made up some ridiculous story to justify her and Harry being the teachers; apparently the professor in charge of the technology class had been **polymorphed** into a woman by Death Eaters and was currently residing in St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. Naturally, none of the Generic Students had any questions about why they were being taught by their peers, and the lesson just went on.

The Sue then grabbed the rifle Dumbledore had prepared for them and started just aiming it around – which by itself was a violation of gun safety rules – trying to point at Hermione without anyone noticing.

A bullet shot out of the rifle, hitting Hermione perfectly. The gun was loaded, even though the Sue told the students otherwise. Everybody let out a gasp and the Sue made sure to fake one too. Aside from that one reaction, the Generic Students didn't do anything; no panic, no crying, nothing. The Sue then walked up to Hermione's body and pretended to check her vitals, all while faking sadness. Harry also jumped into his role, calling the Sue a **monster.**

"What was your first clue?" muttered VJ.

"What now?" William asked, peeking from behind a Generic Computer. "Hermione Granger's dead."

"She's not," said VJ. "Remember what I told you? When a canon character dies before their scheduled time, they only think they're dead. We just need to make sure to retrieve the body and get her to Medical. She'll be up and running in no time."

 **I began to cry- crying at will was something that demons could do, to seem more sympathetic.** (VJ glanced at William, who only shook his head.) **"Somebody get Dumbledore. Oh my god." I said, acting distant on purpose. Then, I passed out- another demon power of mine.**

"We can take her on, now." William rose from his seat, gripping his cane tighter. "Let's just grab her, and Hermione, before—"

 **I woke up in the Headmaster's office, with Dumbledore at his chair, Harry by his side.**

"Shite!" the warlock hissed, as the unexpected scene shift pulled them behind Generic Bookshelves, which made up Dumbledore's library.

"Don't worry." VJ patted her partner on the shoulder. "We'll get her."

The Sue then noticed a letter from the Ministry, saying that she had been pardoned (of course) because the Dark Mark was found on Hermione's arm. Dumbledore then congratulated them both, and decided to make them an offer they could not refuse.

 **"I think that you would make wonderful hitmen. We could have a mutually beneficial relationship-** (VJ shook her head. "Bad mental image. Bad mental image.") **I can supply you with supplies** ("Redundant much, redundant?" William scratched his chin.) **and contracts, and you can eliminate the Death Eaters. The Wizarding World needs somebody like you two to help them out and get rid of those who would threat both our world and the Muggle world. The Wizarding World needs people who are willing to go far to eliminate the threats of the Death Eaters and Voldemort."**

"Bloody hell, this _is_ Mafia!Dumbledore…"

Naturally, Harry and the Sue agreed to become Dumbledore's guns-for-hire. The dragon spirit reassured the Sue that it and the unicorn were the Sue's loyal servants and now, that they were given a purpose, they would support her every decision. Dumbledore then told them their next plan was to recruit new hitman.

"As you command, Don Dumbledore." William did a pretty decent Italian accent.

"You ready? Because chapter four is called _**The Vampire**_."

"Of course." The warlock rolled his eyes. "There must be at least one in every badfic."

This chapter continued where the other left off, with William and VJ, still hidden behind the Generic Bookshelves in Dumbledore's office, watching the Sue, who was waiting for a Ministry official to come and question her about the Hermione incident. Even though the previous chapter stated that she was pardoned, apparently the hearing was still needed. In the meantime, the Sue was curious about the next person to join their **little Death Eater hunting club**.

Dumbledore then told them his offer for a new hitman; a dark creature, who would never agree to serve Voldemort. Apparently she was too stupid-looking to even consider her a threat but incredibly clever. Smart, powerful, in great physical condition – all of those praises made the agents feel a little uneasy about this newcomer. On top of that, she was apparently a vampire who despised Death Eaters.

William looked at his partner. "But… the Sue's already here."

"I swear, if this is a two-Sue mission," VJ groaned, "I'm gonna ask for a raise."

 **Suddenly, the door opened and a figure walked in. Her hair was dyed black with hot pink streaks, and she wore silver loopy earrings that were hardly noticable. Black lipstick had been messily applied to her lips, and it was clearly smudged.**

"Who, in the heavens…" VJ scratched her head, after William finished writing another grammar charge.

 **"What's up motherfuckers?" Luna Lovegood asked cheerfully.**

William almost dropped his pencil. "No."

"Can't be." VJ shook her head.

"No, definitely not. No." The agents exchanged glances, and William's mouth hung slightly open. "No…"

Vampire!Luna then explained how she arrived at the exact moment Dumbledore mentioned her. Turns out, ten minutes ago the Sue used a Time Turner to recruit Luna because otherwise she wouldn't have time to do it _and_ wait patiently for the Ministry representative.

"Of course. 'Cause Dumbledore always had one of those just lollin' about." William rolled his eyes, while VJ was shoving a mini through a portal.

"Oh, you're ready? Incoming!"

"What's incomi—"

A sudden shift caused the agents' stomachs to do a triple flip. Dumbledore's office was now empty, and the Sue deduced that he **must've been one of the people who had carried** her **, in** her **unconscious state, to here**.

"Bloody hell, what in the blazes was that?!" William clutched his stomach, trying his best not to yell.

"Scene shift." VJ peeked behind their cover. "I guess it applies to time travel as well… wait, what the heck?!"

The Sue disappeared. VJ quickly checked the words and sighed with relief, then groaned soon afterwards, when it turned out the Sue decided to **cast an invisibility spell and made** her **self incorpreal- a power from** her **angel heritage- before flying through the walls and into the great hall.**

"Let's just stay here," VJ said, and then dropped on to the floor. She then wrapped her hands around her knees, pressing them to her chest. "She'll be back. Since we have about ten minutes of peace, let's sum up what we've got."

"A Sue." William stretched out his finger. "Replacements for Harry and Luna. I'm not sure about Dumbledore."

"I assumed he'd be stuffed in a plothole, but with our CAD gone we can't confirm it." VJ looked at the Words to check on the Sue, who was now talking to Luna. The Sue appeared in the Ravenclaw Tower, naturally without answering a riddle. Conveniently, the place was empty, aside from Luna sitting in one of the chairs. Naturally, she didn't need a lot of convincing and quickly agreed to join the Sue in her shenanigans.

"What about Hermione?" William asked. "You think we can go and send her body to the Meds now?"

"Sure," said VJ, putting the coordinates to a previous chapter. She tossed the RA to William "Jump in, use the commotion, grab the body and push her through a portal."

"A'right, I'm out." The warlock went through the portal. He returned after a few minutes, just in time, too, as the door to Dumbledore's office opened and in came the Headmaster and Harry, carrying the Sue's unconscious body.

A sudden shockwave went through the office, causing the agents to go light-headed for a moment. William touched his temples, feeling the blood rushing and he noticed VJ wincing in pain. "What now?"

"Time Dilation, but how… oh, of course." VJ looked at the charge notebook. "It doesn't match. Remember before? Harry told Azriel she was out for twenty minutes, then they had maybe a five-minute chat before Luna showed up and told them our half-angelic sweetheart travelled ten minutes back. Doesn't add up."

The agents had to witness the scene with Vampire!Luna again and, after the Sue used the Time Turner, the one from the past entered the office. After everything was settled, Dumbledore ordered Vampire!Luna to get inside a random wardrobe, which apparently was always in his office. The reason was, the Ministry would get suspicious over them if they saw a vampire in the office.

"There is a joke about Luna in the closet, but that's beneath me." VJ tapped her chin.

William gave his partner a look. "No, it isn't."

"...You're right, it isn't."

 **Harry sat down in one of Dumbledore's chairs, while I returned to the mattress that I had woken up on. Dumbledoor pulled a pair of handcuffs out of his pocket, and attached on end to my right wrist, and another to a small, circular wooden pillar next to the mattress.**

"Fifty Shades o' Dumbledore?" William snickered, when Dumbledoor manifested next to them.

"Hello, presciousses," the mini clicked its pincers happily. VJ crouched before it, gently tapping its head.

"What are you… oh, right. We never really transported you to the Academy before, did we?"

"We likess it here," Dumbledoor replied, but decided to walk through a portal anyway. The Sue, Dumbledore, and Harry (with Luna in the closet) were waiting for the Ministry official to show up.

"You know what, we can take them out right now. They're just waiting there, we got enough charges… not to mention, I need food."

"Dumbledore and the others, we can take on, sure. But don't forget, love, that Azriel showed us she can pass through solid objects. She'll escape."

"Now you're gonna tell me you have a plan for that."

"Not yet." William shook his head. "For now, let's continue. Chapter five?"

" _ **Death Eater's Daughter**_ ," VJ said. "I think I know who we can expect."


	5. Chapter 5

"Finally," William said, and he stretched his hands, making a quiet cracking sound when **the door to Dumbledore's office creaked open once again.** When the agents looked at the entrance, they saw Lucius Malfoy of all people. The Sue waited patiently for Dumbledore and Malfoy to finish, before putting on a humble expression. She **knew full well that** Malfoy **would try to incriminate** her **\- he hated Dumbledore, and if he was working for the Ministry, they would jump at the chance to get dirt on him, his leadership, his favorite students, anything.**

"You've got it all backwards, darlin'," William said. "It is not Lucius Malfoy workin' for the Ministry, it's _the Ministry_ who tries to please Lucius 'cause he's been donatin' some serious Galleons to them."

"Personally, I think Lucius would only pretend to care about Hermione's death. She is a Muggle-born, after all." VJ, out of sheer habit, reached to grab her CAD before remembering it was now toast.

The she-dragon spirit suddenly informed the Sue that Dumbledore contacted them using legilimency. Both agents sighed, and William wrote another charge. A cover-up story for the Sue was that she blamed Dumbledore **for trusting a couple of kids with an assault rifle.** Apparently it was a win-win situation: **the Ministry gets dirt on** Dumbledore **, which he can clean up, and** the Sue **get** s **off the hook.**

"Even though it was stated before that she was pardoned." VJ shook her head. "Oh, those Sues and their desire to become recognized by canon governments."

Lucius then asked the Sue what happened. She proceeded to explain, how she and Harry were called by Dumbledore and presented with an opportunity to teach, seeing as they were **the most 'tech-savvy' students**. She said that, because of her lack of knowledge about rifles, the gun fired and Hermione was shot by accident. It was the most unconvincing story, but apparently it was enough for Malfoy Sr.

 **Lucius scratched his chin. I felt a strong urge to punch him with my mechanical wing to wipe that smirk right off his face, but I resisted. "Is that all?"**

The Sue nodded and Lucius, instead of making snarky comments towards Harry and his ability to bring trouble, went to talk with Dumbledore. The Sue couldn't hear them, **and unfortunately** she **couldn't read lips** , but her spirit animals were apparently mentally linked with Dumbledore which allowed them to gain intel.

Dumbledore and Lucius eventually left the office, locking the teenagers inside. The Sue again turned incorporeal in order to escape the handcuffs (William gave VJ a 'told-you-so' look). Soon afterwards, Vampire!Luna nearly broke down the hinges of the wardrobe she was in.

"Say it." William smirked, looking at his partner. VJ laughed quietly.

"Congratulations, Luna, on coming out of the closet."

 **"Guys, guess who I found!"**

"The canon version of yourself?"

Instead, it was a young girl emerging from the wardrobe after Vampire!Luna. The agents scratched their heads, wondering where this was going, when the Sue deduced that this pretty blonde had to be related to the Malfoys in some way. VJ let out a quiet groan, shaking her head.

"Write a 'Malfoy's twin' charge," she told William.

"It wasn't stated who she is," he replied. "How can you—"

 **"Guys, this is Triste Malfoy, Draco's twin sister!" Luna announced.** VJ returned the 'told-you-so' look from before.

 **"Hey guys! I'm Draco's twin sister!" Triste said with a grin.**

"Typical bit character," explained VJ, seeing William's confused face. "Not developed enough to say anything smart, usually fills-in stereotypical roles such as: Sue's friend, rival, or a person who admires her."

"No, that's not what I was wonderin'." The warlock shook his head. "Listen to how she talks."

Luna then explained Triste's backstory: she was never seen by anyone, because Lucius was sexist. The girl was actually born five minutes before Draco, but Malfoy Sr. always wanted a boy. So he cast a curse on his own daughter, forcing her to Apparate into obscure places to hide in, wherever Lucius was going. She was finally done with her constant abuse and wanted to join the hitman.

 **Triste nodded. "Dad's a Death Eater, and he's oppressed me for all these years. I wanna get back at him. I wanna kill his kind. I wanna be a hitman."**

"I think I know what you mean," said VJ. "She's bluntly repeating everything Luna says. What is she, a robot? Some kind of… magical machine?"

"The term you're lookin' for is 'automaton'," replied William. "If so, we're in trouble; automatons are basically magic-proof. If we have to kill this one, it won't be simple."

"There's always chance she'll assimilate into the canon. Let's observe her, for now."

The Sue then welcomed their newest addition. The agents listened to Vampire!Luna telling the crew that three assassins were not enough, and that they needed a fourth one (even though there were already four of them: Harry, Azriel, Luna and Triste). She told them she knew someone who would be perfect for them: an Animagus.

"Looks like we're finally leaving this place." VJ slowly stood up, and she moved her legs around a little bit to fasten the circulation. She dunked her hands inside her coat's pockets, and started digging through it. "You got any food? It doesn't seem like it, but we've been here for a while, and my stomach's starting to feel it."

William reached to his bag. "Ah, no. Aside from all the magical junk, I got some chewing gum, a packet o' Bleepettes, and… oh, some licorice. Black, though. Want it?"

"I'll pass. Let's just move on to chapter six: _**The Animagus**_."

The chapter started out with the Sue casting a cloning spell on her and Harry. They were apparently very advanced clones, which could imitate breathing and acting like people pretty well. The Sue was hoping for Dumbledore to make them talk, in case he and Lucius Malfoy returned to the office before them. The Sue then went on to praise Dumbledore for his skills; even though she was a non-human witch, the Headmaster was more powerful than she could ever be.

"At least she admits that," said VJ, as she and William were waiting for the hitman crew to move out. "And it is in-character for Dumbledore to value his students' safety above his own; even if the student is a Sue."

"So, just a possession?" asked William.

"So it would seem. You know, if things won't go as planned, we could always ask Dumbledore for help. After we exorcise him, that is."

"He isn't immune to the neuralyzer, is he?"

VJ shook her head. "No, but it is speculated that he can see through the SEP field so let's just avoid his field of vision."

Vampire!Luna then told the group about their new recruit, the Animagus.

 **"His name's Tyrone. A member of Ravenclaw house. Acts like a tough guy, but he's really a sweetheart. Lovely person. Great friend. Totally cool with us vamps and the like, he won't even give you a second glance for being a half-demon half-angel cyborg witch princess."**

"Okay, completely skipping the last two sentences, this guy sounds rather decent, don't you think?" VJ looked at William, who only nodded.

"He could be under the Imperius." The warlock scratched his goatee.

"Or Azriel's Suefluence did the trick. Simple." VJ shrugged.

"I'm gonna bet you my lunch, it's the Imperius."

"Three bags of toffee peanuts on the Suefluence."

"You're on."

The Sue performed a complex series of movements with her wand and turned them all invisible, which forced the agents to check the Words in order to follow the action. The Sue shielded the entire gang with her wings, making them intangible, and they all walked through a wall. As soon as they left, VJ opened a portal to Ravenclaw Tower; because the Sue wasn't nearby, there was nobody present at the moment. The agents hid behind a Generic Couch and waited patiently.

The hitman gang arrived at the Ravenclaw Tower, naturally without answering the riddle first. The only figure in the common room was a ripped dark-skinned guy, who was reading _The Quibbler_. The Sue removed her enchantments and Vampire!Luna then called for the Animagus, who lifted her up and started spinning around happily. Afterwards, the Sue used the first opportunity to introduce herself.

 **"I'm Azriel, daughter of the demon lord Apollyon and the archangel Gabriel, Princess of Heaven and Hell."**

"'Course you are, darlin'. Not for long, though." An ugly grin passed through William's face. The Animagus then introduced himself as **Tyrone Winchester** (VJ rolled her eyes, at the obvious _Supernatural_ reference), an Animagus and a retired Quidditch player for Ravenclaw.

"See, he's even got a backstory." She nudged William on the shoulder. "He's a good character."

"Aside from the whole Animagus business. I just hope his form isn't some rubbish deal, like a phoenix or a minotaur."

"There are no minotaurs in Potterverse."

"You know it, love, and I know it. The author apparently doesn't, since she's bringin' angels and demons to the party."

Tyrone naturally agreed to join the serial killers, after just one explanation from the Sue. He didn't question anything, and the entire crew yelled happily to celebrate getting their fifth companion.

"They're returnin' to Dumbledore's office already?" William shook her head. "What, is it their Headquarters now? We didn't even have to leave. Plus, the chapter's already endin'. An entire chapter just for this one scene?"

"It's not that bad, though," said VJ. "We're moving through it quite fast. See, we're already going into chapter seven: _**Dang Elves**_."


	6. Chapter 6

The portal opened behind the Generic Bookshelves, just in time for the hitman crew to return to Dumbledore's office. The Headmaster was just sitting there, there was no traceof the clones the Sue left, and Lucius Malfoy was also gone. As soon as the group approached him, Dumbledore rose from his chair and congratulated them.

"You see that? He praises them for going to a common room and talking to a guy. An impressive feat, for sure." VJ shook her head in disappointment.

William had to keep himself from laughing, when Dumbledore announced Tyrone to be a pug Animagus, who could **sneak around and charm Muggles and wizards alike with his sheer adorableness.**

The Sue then asked what was their next assignment. After reaching into his folder case, Dumbledore pulled out a picture and handed it over to Harry and the Sue. This time, apparently, they were hunting another Death Eater who was very close to Harry: Dobby, the house elf.

"Bloody… fuckin' Sue." William clenched his fist. "Even Dobby? What has he ever done to her?"

"I'm starting to think this is not a fic to display how badass our Sue is," said VJ. "More likely to let the author kill every canon character she dislikes."

"The Sue still has _some_ intelligence. Simple distraction won't be enough."

"Uh-huh. Hey, look." VJ pointed at the scene unfolding before them. "Harry seems to be regaining some of his characterisation. Heh, I knew he wouldn't completely submit to a wraith."

Surely enough, Harry was having a hard time accepting the fact that Dobby might be associated with Death Eaters in any way other than being a former servant to one. The Sue, however, must've sensed her control failing because she quickly placed her hand on Harry's shoulder.

 **"Well, Potter, to be fair," I began to explain, "It really makes sense. A lot of sense, actually. Dobby is and was the only house elf at Hogwarts who was actually in favor of Hermione's whole S.P.E.W. thing, and his previous master was Lucius Malfoy, known Death Eater. He must have entered into the service of the Dark Lord while enslaved to the Malfoys, and Hermione must have solidified his alliance with her 'house elf liberation program'. She should've chosen that instead of whatever S.P.E.W. stands for, so her acronym could be H.E.L.P. instead."**

"That. was. the point. of. the joke!" VJ groaned.

"Well, the Sue apparently loves to suck out every bit o' humour and add her own dumb logic," said William. "By the way, what do you think about _Liberation and Isonomy of Coerced Elves_?"

"I still prefer Wizards Against Negative Konduct of Elvish Rights."

William shook his head, smiling. "Okay, you win."

Naturally, the Sue's influence did its trick and Harry was quickly on their side again – he admitted the Sue making more sense and he was even able to justify murdering Dobby. **[F]or the sake of students and wizards and house elves everywhere,** he was ready to put a bullet inside Dobby's big head. Vampire!Luna then loaded her pistol and announced that it was time to " **hunt down a motherfucking traitor elf.** "

 **Dumbledore turned around and walked to the wardrobe that Luna had been hiding in when Lucius came into the office. He pulled out his wand, and tapped it to the door wordlessly. When he opened it, it wasn't a wardrobe any longer, but an armory. Weapons were hung up on hooks scattered all across the walls, and ammunition was scattered across the floor. There was also a desk with several drawers- one was open and filled with knives and other sharp blades of various sorts.**

VJ's eyes widened as she saw the inside of the armoury. "Holy gun boner!" She quickly looked at William. "Hey, you think we could—"

"No," the warlock cut her off, "no guns for you. I've seen you on the gun range; you're more trigger-happy than some Sues. We're destroyin' this wardrobe as soon as possible."

The hitman then proceeded to arm themselves; Harry picked out a machine gun, Malfoy's sister went with a pistol and bulletproof vest, Tyrone chose a pistol as well as a knife.

"Gonna be tough to confront them, with all the stuff they have now."

"We'll figure somethin' out. Oh, look," William pointed at the scene, "Dumbledore's laying out a plan."

The plan was simple: Tyrone, as a distraction, was going to turn into a pug and run around the Great Hall, causing trouble. The Sue, because she could walk through walls, would fly down to the kitchen and lure out Dobby into the Hall. Vampire!Luna would use her **shadow powers** to hide the rest of the group and shoot Dobby as soon as he appeared.

"Chapter Eight: _**Then It Went South**_ ," said VJ, looking at the Words. "Well, that's one piece of good news today."

The portal manifested in the Great Hall, just before the hitman arrived. William and VJ managed to hide under the Hufflepuff table when the crew entered. VJ quietly tapped the coordinates into her RA and shoved the Grand Hall mini into the portal. The Sue then mentioned that all of their **guns had been enchanted by Dumbledore himself to be extra-accurate.** VJ only sighed, and William wrote another charge.

Tyrone turned into a pug and the Sue immediately started cooing about how cute he was in that form, and that her heart **literally melted** ("Would make our job a lot easier if it did," mumbled VJ). The other hitman were roaming the Great Hall aimlessly, sometimes taking care of their weapons.

Suddenly, William felt something nudging his side. He looked to his left, only to see a mini-Aragog who was trying to push forward.

"Hey, lil' guy." He poked the mini with a finger. "What're you doin'?"

"We can't see, pressciouss… Help usss…" the mini mumbled, still wiggling around. The tickling sensation of its pincers against William's side made the warlock stifle a laugh.

"Oh, that's Grand Hall," explained VJ, looking at the Words. "Yeah, he's gonna be here for a while, no sense in sending him off just yet."

"Fine then." William picked up the mini and placed him a bit away from himself. "There, better?"

"Bless the good deadmansss, we can seee~" the mini clicked its pincers happily.

After repeating the plan yet again, and assuring everyone that the dragon spirit would use the legilimency telepathic network, the Sue provided a very urple description of her becoming invisible and intangible, then flew up in the air, and dived through the floor ( **like a dolphin** ) to the Hogwarts' kitchen. When in the kitchen, she became visible again and yelled her lungs out that she was looking for Dobby.

 **"Dobby, Dobby, Dobby!" The house elves chanted, almost ritualistically.**

"The Cult of Dobby?" William raised his eyebrow.

VJ only shrugged. "Well, he is kinda a hero to the house elves, isn't he?"

Soon enough, the mentioned house elf popped into existence in front of the Sue. After that, Tyrone started barking loudly – which was completely unconvincing, since he did that right after the Sue told Dobby a dog was running around the Hall. Dobby only expressed mild concern about that and promised the Sue to take care of things.

He Apparated next to the table the agents (and Grand Hall) were under. Soon afterwards, the Sue Apparated as well – making William write a charge for Apparating inside the castle. Dobby was already holding the dog in his skinny arms, with an evil grin on his face. The Sue wondered how he managed to capture an Animagus so fast.

"Not that difficult," said VJ, "it's just a pug."

Vampire!Luna revealed herself, along with Harry and Triste, and they all aimed their guns at Dobby. Tyrone somehow managed to wriggle himself out of the elf's grip and also pointed his gun at him. Dobby didn't look one bit concerned about the situation he was currently in.

 **Suddenly, he reached into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out an RPG launcher.**

"Will…"

"Don't say anythin'," said William, writing a charge. "Charge for Dobby wearin' jeans. Okay, let's— OW! Okay, okay, I was just havin' a laugh. Here, look, _Dobby usin' an RPG_. Happy?"

"Immensely."

Dobby then fired a missile towards the group and the Sue somehow managed to go into yet another monologue on how she couldn't let her friends get hit but she wasn't able to do anything. Just as the projectile was about to hit the hitman, a pillar of light appeared in front of them and protected them from the incoming attack. A person stood inside the light; a powerful-looking, winged black man who then repelled the missile back at Dobby. The elf, however, managed to Apparate away but the force of the explosion left a huge hole in the Great Hall's floor. The Sue then recognized their saviour as one of her fathers – archangel Gabriel.

The dust from the explosion still hadn't settled down, which provided an excellent cover for the agents to escape the Great Hall (and send Grand Hall to the HFA). VJ hugged the wall, right next to the Hall's entrance.

"We need to split up," she said. "I'll track the Words, you go after Dobby. Standard exorcism and neuralyzing should be enough. Go!"

"On my way," replied William. VJ tossed him the Remote Activator, set to HOME IN ON WRAITH, and the warlock jumped through a portal. He appeared in a Generic Space with no defined features – perhaps this was a storage area for the unnecessary characters. The only character here right now was Dobby, pacing around and snarling like a cheap Gollum knock-off.

"Hey, short-stuff, over 'ere!" William shouted, putting his sunglasses on.

"Nnnah?! Dobby!" the possessed elf growled, when William tackled him to the ground and smacked on the head with a copy of _The Chamber of Secrets_.

"The Power of Good Fiction compels you!" William shouted, and the elf's body started to twitch as he was struggling and snarling. "Release this elf! By the power of Rowling, I command thee: begone!"

As soon as a glittery stream of urple-coloured mist escaped Dobby's nostrils, ears, and mouth, William pierced the escaping wraith with the tip of his cane. The spectre started sizzling and turned into vapour soon afterwards. William grabbed a neuralyzer.

 _FLASH!_

"Dobby, you are not an evil elf. You work in the kitchen at Hogwarts, you are a very helpful and loyal friend. You wish to protect Harry Potter and his friends from harm. Oh, and you definitely don't know what an RPG is, nor how to use one."

William then grabbed Dobby's unconscious body and escaped out of the Storage Space. Leaving Dobby in the kitchen with a bottle of Butterbeer was good enough, and the warlock joined VJ back in Dumbledore's office.

"What did I miss?"

"Nothing major." VJ shrugged. "Just some mushy father-daughter crap. Dumbledore naturally forgave them for failing the mission and not killing Dobby… by the way, where is he?"

"Safe, sound, and neuralized in the kitchen. With a bottle of Butterbeer as compensation."

"Anyway," VJ continued, "Harry then asked Azriel why her father, the supposed archangel Gabriel, was black. She came up with some bullshit answer, he just accepted it, and then Dumbledore told them he was going to show them something interesting. And that's where we are now – on our way to chapter Nine: _**Into the Armory, Out of the Closet**_. See, I knew the joke would be made eventually."


	7. Chapter 7

Dumbledore gestured at the wardrobe-slash-armoury-slash-closet and told the hitman to get inside. The Sue, naturally, was the first one to get in and she decided she should clean up some ammunition. Since she was immortal, an accidental explosion wouldn't kill her.

The agents looked at each other. "This might be a problem," said VJ. "She just proclaimed herself immortal. I don't suppose you have any spells or rituals which would make her mortal, or vulnerable at least?"

"Trust me, love, if I had, I would've used it on myself a long time ago." William reached to his bag and started looking through its contents. He was examining some small vials, boxes, and jars, sometimes muttering to himself.

"The only spell to revoke immortality that I know of, comes from the _Vampire Diaries_ continuum," he said, after a while. "And, as you can easily guess, it only works for curing vampirism. We'll have a plan when it's time to have a plan, don't you worry."

Dumbledore explained the purpose of this meeting; they all needed an alibi, if the Ministry was to investigate the explosion in the Great Hall. Also, apparently, the armoury they were in was enchanted so that only Dumbledore and his hitman would be able to open it. It was a safety measure – the Headmaster couldn't allow the Ministry to discover his hidden stash of lethal weapons.

 **"And even Ron knows that the Ministry wants to get dirt on you, badly." Harry noted.**

 **Dumbledore nodded. "Even Ron."**

"Oh, that was just cheap." VJ shook her head. "Both the burn, and the bash."

The scene continued, until Tyrone accidently poked Vampire!Luna with his elbow. She went completely ape on his ass, her fangs popped out for view and she snarled at him like a startled animal. Even the Sue couldn't understand what was going on – Tyrone and Vampire!Luna were such good friends before. **Unless...**

 **"Luna, are you on your period?" Tyrone asked innocently.**

 **That was apparently Luna's berserk button. "You didn't just go there, motherfucker!"**

Then she snapped. She aimed her pistol at Tyrone, who did the same. Chaos erupted, as Harry pulled out his machine gun and pointed it right between them – like it was going to help with anything. Triste and the Sue had a small lame comedy skit, where the blonde pointed her pistol at the Sue, who then held up her hands but, when Triste realised her mistake, she pointed the gun at Luna.

"Ugh, this is getting ridiculous," VJ groaned and she looked at the Words. "No, Luna, Tyrone didn't say that just because you're a lesbian."

"You realize you're talkin' to the badfic?" William asked, when Tyrone announced that he knew a lot about periods because he **was designated female at birth**. The Sue tried to loosen the atmosphere a bit and offered a conversation. And of course everybody, in unison, dropped their guns. Why? Because the magnificent Sue told them to.

"Honestly, I wish I had powers like that," William admitted.

VJ looked at her partner, tilting her head to the side. "Don't you? I thought you warlocks know hypnosis, or something like that."

"Not really," the warlock replied. "Sure, mind-controllin' spells do exist, but they take hours to prepare and the effect is not what you're seein' in films or books. Plus, the fact that any smallest mistake can backfire at me isn't really appealin', is it?"

"True." VJ nodded. "Shame, though. I thought you could make some people I dislike cluck like chickens."

"I can _turn them_ into chickens, if this works for you. We'll work out the details later."

 **"How many of you are both straight and cisgender?"** asked Dumbledore, when he finally decided that the argument between his hitmen had come to an end.

Nobody raised their hands (not even the agents), while the Sue reminded everybody once again, she was an ace while in her angel aspect, so it didn't count. After that, Harry found courage to come out, and admit himself bisexual. The Sue went into an internal monologue about how brave he was, and how important it was for her to embrace her asexuality. She also didn't forget to remind everybody that her dragon was bi, and the unicorn was gay.

"Okay, who's next?" VJ grumbled, "Draco Malfoy announcing himself a transvestite?"

"Oh, I'd pay to see that one," said William, and a faint grin flashed on his face. Instead, it was Malfoy's 'sister' who announced her bisexuality.

Next, it was Dumbledore, who took a step forward. The Sue started _yet another_ inner monologue, this time admiring the **smooth fabric of his manly wizard robe**. VJ snorted, trying to contain a laugh and she received a kick to the thigh from William.

"Come on, focus," he said, although the girl noticed the corners of his mouth raising.

 **"I'm gay." The headmaster said. We all gasped.**

"Seriously, Azriel?" VJ clicked her tongue, faking disappointment. "No inner monologue this time? Dumbledore doesn't deserve one?"

Then Tyrone completely butchered his balanced backstory by revealing that when he was ten, he was part of a Norse pagan coven, which banished him for pretending to be pansexual. His mother made him live on the streets for a year, then he somehow received a letter of acceptance from Hogwarts. To make things worse, he didn't know his father – his mother had gone to a sperm bank, and the donor had apparently been a wizard.

"Ha! See that?" VJ nearly shoved her finger up William's nose, when she pointed at him. "The Imperius can't implement false memories, or make you believe in something! He's under the Suefluence and says what the Sue wants him to say! I win!"

"Fine, you win, but keep your pipes down. We don't want them suddenly come out of the closet."

VJ was too happy over her winning to notice the pun. "All your lunch are belong to us," she purred happily.

 **Luna stepped forward next. "Voldemort is my third cousin twice removed."**

"I'msorrywhatnow?!" William raised his head so suddenly, his neck made a quiet cracking sound.

Vampire!Luna, when she was still Human!Luna, was apparently making out with her girlfriend at Diagon Alley one day, when they were spotted by Voldemort. He sent his pet vampires to kill the girls, but only the bit!girlfriend was killed – the vampires spared Luna, because she was so _speshul_ , and made her one of their own. Now she was a vampire, could use darkness, shadows, and blood magic, and was eternally loyal to Dumbledore.

"This is a serious bunch of bullshit. Do we even need to write a charge for wielding uncanon magic?" VJ groaned.

The scene continued with a poor-taste joke comparing Voldemort to Hitler (and the pure-blooded wizards having no idea who that was), when finally Dumbledore announced he had come up with a cover story for the hitman.

 **"So, the gay pride parade is happening in San Francisco right now." He explained. "I can give you guys an alibi by apparating us over there, saying that we were having an educational field trip about accepting yourself no matter your gender identity or sexual orientation. Therefore, you have an excuse for missing class, an alibi since you'll be halfway across the world, and we can pretend that you hitmen are actually just the friendly neighborhood Hogwarts G.S.A."**

The others found the plan pretty solid, except of course for the Sue who had to point out that GSA stands for 'Gay-Straight Alliance' and there were no straight people in their group. Even though she, after Harry pointed that out, declared herself straight when in her demon form, she apparently couldn't willingly change from one form to another.

"So, she's still an angel?" VJ noticed, and looked at William. "Is that any help with how to take her down?"

The warlock shook his head. "Banishin' a demon would be much easier for me, love. More experience with 'em."

The Sue then decided to name their little group the MOGAI club ( **Marginalized Orientations, Gender Alignments, and Intersex** ), which everyone found perfect. Harry then expressed his excitement over going to the United States for a parade, and the entire group Apparated across the ocean. William and VJ were finally able to leave their cover, when the Suefluence was gone and Dumbledore's office reverted back to its Generic state. The only prominent object in it was the infamous wardrobe armoury.

"I think we have enough charges, Will," said VJ, taking the notebook from her partner. "And it's a very convenient situation; they're in San Francisco, we drop their bodies in some random alley and we're fine."

"Fine, let's end this, but before that," William looked at the wardrobe, "we're destroyin' this."

VJ let out a groan of disappointment. "Do we have to? Come on, it's so cute, and it holds all those cool weapons, and it's magical… you like magic things, right? Will, please!"

"You know what, fine," the warlock said. "We're takin' the wardrobe, but the guns are goin' to the PPC's armoury, how 'bout that?"

VJ grumbled something inaudible, but finally nodded. "Fine. The wardrobe is nice by itself, too. And it's magical – you can have your fun trying to 'reprogram' its enchantments. But before that, we need to find the plothole where all the canon characters are."

"I only have one idea." William walked up to the wardrobe and knocked on the door. "The entire gang was hangin' around in Dumbledore's office quite often. My best guess is because the canons are stuffed here."

"If so, we have a problem. Remember Dumbledore speaking about how only he and the hitman could open it?"

"You're forgettin' one important thing, love." William waved his fingers, letting streams of green sparks fly out of them. "Dumbledore's not the only one who can do some magic."

"How's the situation?"

"Don't worry about it." VJ was keeping a keen eye on the Words. "They're just enjoying the parade, although the Sue keeps talking shit about the US political parties, and there are apparently some Illuminati snipers on the rooftops. Nothing plot-advancing so far."

"Good. I'm almost done." William, with his coat off and sleeves rolled up to the elbows, finished lighting four candles around the wardrobe. The candles, along with a sigil made out of black salt made the entire formation look like a square inside a circle.

"Okay, here's how it goes." William stood up and looked at VJ. "This spell will lift all the enchantments from the wardrobe for exactly one minute. You will go there, open it, grab the canon characters, and try your best not to step onto the circle. The magical discharge could be dangerous."

"Got it." VJ gracefully jumped from the desk she was sitting on, and joined William. "I'm ready."

William stood before the circle, and took a deep breath. The air in the office suddenly got colder, so much that VJ could see her own breath, and the smoke from the candles turned green. The warlock gave his partner a little nod, and VJ carefully stepped over the salt circle. She grabbed the wardrobe's handle – nothing happened. She didn't get burned, her skin didn't turn purple, nothing. She pulled the handle, and the door opened like in a regular wardrobe.

VJ raised her eyebrows slightly, when she noticed that the inside was empty. No guns, no knives, no weaponry. Instead, there were only oh-so-familiar ripples in the fabric of reality. A plothole, indeed. VJ carefully reached towards the ripples, allowing her fingers to sink into them, until she felt something akin to a cloth. She gripped it and tugged, until a part of a sleeve became visible. Eventually, VJ pulled out the unconscious Luna Lovegood and Harry Potter. Just in time too, as the candles went out and the wardrobe doors slammed shut on their own, emitting crackles of electricity.

"Phew." William wiped his forehead. "Well, that's one nice set o' spells. Heh, I'm gonna enjoy workin' on them."

"See?" VJ flashed him a grin. "My ideas are always good. Okay, let's wrap things up here – Luna and Harry go to their respective common rooms, and the wardrobe gets transported to our RC. Then we go after the Sue and her posse in San Francisco."

When the agents arrived in San Francisco, they immediately spotted the Sue and her gang of assassins enjoying the parade. They were all wearing really flashy clothes, which were provided by Dumbledore – apparently, he gave them a makeover while Apparating across the ocean. They were also discussing their next plan. Apparently, while enjoying the parade, they've spotted Pansy Parkinson and decided to take her out because she could possibly tell she saw them; even though she hadn't even looked in their direction once. The Sue decided to go with the obvious strategy: Tyrone, as a pug, would distract all the Muggles watching the parade; Dumbledore would get on his broom and provide air cover; the rest of them would take down Pansy and the snipers on the rooftops.

"Okay, this has gone too far," said VJ. "First of all, a single pug wouldn't be able to attract attention of the entire parade… ugh, why am I even trying? So, what's the plan?"

"A hockey stick to the head? Simple and effective."

"Sure, except for the fact that they can magic my hockey stick away."

"That's where I come in." William grabbed a piece of chalk from his bag and pointed towards a Generic Alley. "If you can catch the pug and bring it there, we're golden. Also, make sure the Sue sees you."

"On my way." As VJ went to fetch Tyrone, William directed his attention towards the entrance to the alley.

 _Catch the pug, he said_ , VJ was cursing William in her thoughts. Tyrone in his animal form turned out to be much more nimble than she anticipated; he would run between Generic People, wagging his little tail and bumping into others trying to get their attention. VJ carefully looked up and noticed Dumbledore on a broom, patrolling from above. The others were nowhere to be seen but this was probably due to Vampire!Luna's _speshul_ shadow powers.

Finally, VJ managed to grab the little dog. "Okay, buddy, you're coming with me."

Without orders from the Sue, Tyrone had no idea what to do. He was just like a regular, docile pug now. Luckily, when going back to William, VJ managed to spot the Sue standing with Triste Malfoy. She gave them a look before disappearing inside the alley with their 'cute distraction'. Soon afterwards, the Sue and Triste entered the alley, with Harry, Luna, and Dumbledore joining them.

"Tyrone?" the Sue called out. She raised her rifle, and carefully proceeded forward into the darkness. Harry, Dumbledore, and Triste pulled out their wands and illuminated the alley. As soon as they did that, a loud snap could be heard. The walls of the alley brightened even more, revealing circular symbols along the entire length. They looked like they were made of neon rope, with white, gentle light emanating from them, as the entrance to the alley was now covered by something which looked like a thin, see-through foil.

"It's an ambush!" the Sue yelled and the entire crew ran towards the exit, only to bounce off of the barrier. Next thing they noticed was a thick layer of white fog curling by their ankles and filling the air with an intense scent of ozone and some sweet yet unpleasant odour.

The hitman heard a voice speaking with a singing intonation. "Invoco caliginem gehennae. By the book, the candle, and the pentagram. Come to me, fog from Hell."

"Azriel, get us out of here!" Replacement!Harry shouted. The Sue quickly wrapped her wings around the group and closed her eyes… but nothing happened. They didn't turn invisible, nor did they sink into the ground.

"My magic!" the Sue cried, realizing what had happened. A figure stepped out of the shadows. With his ivory skin and messy red hair, he wasn't the most appealing figure to meet in a dark alley.

"Apologies, love." A nasty grin flashed through William's face. The closer the warlock got to the group, the more mist was curling around them. "Hellsmoke works pretty well for weakenin' _every_ known kind of magic – be it demonic, faerie, or angelic."

"Now that that's out of the way." VJ stepped out behind William and brandished her hockey stick. "Let's have some fun, shall we?"

In a few graceful leaps, she found herself beside Dumbledore and Triste, knocking them unconscious. The Sue squeaked with surprise and took a huge step back. Harry quickly joined her, leaving only their resident vampire on the frontline.

"What the fuck did you do to them?!" Vampire!Luna shouted. VJ only shrugged.

"They didn't keep their eyes on the birdie."

"Oh, that's fucking it!" Vampire!Luna pulled out her pistol, just to have it quickly lost with one precise strike of a hockey stick. She yelped and waved her hand in pain, failing to notice a sudden headbutt which made her hit the wall and slump unconscious to the ground.

The Sue and Harry quickly pointed their guns at VJ, but when they pulled the triggers, they heard only clicking. A whistle directed their attention towards William who was waving two magazines filled with bullets at them.

"Lookin' for somethin'?"

"Shit," the Sue hissed as VJ knocked Harry out. Hellsmoke was already covering the symbols on the walls, dissolving them and weakening the barrier.

"Okay, Azriel," said VJ. "You are hereby charged with being a non-human daughter of an angel and a demon, yet somehow wielding magic; having mythical creatures as your 'spirit guides'; becoming a hitman and killing Hermione Granger; attempting murder of Dobby the house elf; warping several canon characters of the _Harry Potter_ universe; changing canon characters' sexual orientation for no reason; nearly driving _me_ insane, and overall being a Mary Sue. We could go on with your charges, but I don't feel like being here the whole day. Any last words, hun?"

"You're good," said the Sue. With the corner of her eye, she tried to spot when the barrier would disappear. "Why don't you join us, instead? We could rid the world of Death Eaters, and all the straight people who don't understand us. We could—"

William's concealed blade slashed through the Sue's throat like it was butter. "Off with your head."

As the Sue slid down the wall, the agents moved over to the replacements. VJ grabbed the collar of Harry's shirt and looked at William. "Can you take Dumbledore to his office? The Suefluence has already started to drop, so he'll be back to his old self in no time."

"A'right." The warlock shrugged, and grabbed the Headmaster's unconscious body. "I'll be the clean-up guy, no problem."

"You stole my kill," she said. "Now let me have some fun."

William chuckled. "Fine, I guess I am to blame. Join me in the office, when you're done."

When he disappeared inside a portal, leaving the RA behind, VJ slapped the Replacement!Harry's cheeks several times. He finally grumbled something unintelligible.

"Good, you're conscious at least. I'll make this short: you are charged with impersonating the character of Harry James Potter; siding with a Mary Sue; completely breaking the character of Harry James Potter, by thinking about James and Lily Potter joining Voldemort; killing Hermione Granger, and attempted murder of Dobby the house elf. Your sentence is death. Last words?"

"Wait," the replacement murmured. "If I don't… who will… kill Volde—"

A sudden _THUD_ to the skull prevented him from finishing. VJ only swung her stick to wipe the blood. "How about the real Harry Potter?"

Hearing a quiet snarl behind her, VJ made a belly slide to the side and barely avoided Vampire!Luna's attack. With William's magic almost gone by now, the shadows curled around the creature, slowly healing her.

"Okay, okay, now you," VJ said, slowly crawling backwards. "Charged with being a vampire; impersonating the canon character of Luna Lovegood; having uncanon powers such as shadow magic, and shapeshifting; being related to Voldemort…"

The vampire lunged at VJ who, feeling cold metal under her fingers, grabbed a gun from the ground and pulled the trigger, hitting the replacement right between the eyes. The creature fell flat on her face, right beside VJ. The agent stood up, sweeping off dirt from her pants.

"Oh dear, oh dear, not good." The agent smirked to herself, shaking her head in mock gesture of concern. "I forgot to ask about her last words. Oh, well."

She looked at the gun in her hand, smiled and kissed the barrel, before throwing the weapon in a bin and opening the portal to Dumbledore's office. After all, William wouldn't be able to find his way back to their RC; besides, leaving him alone with the most powerful wizard in the canon was just asking for trouble.

* * *

 **And that's it, folks! That's how the William and VJ's first mission went! I hope you guys enjoyed it, let me know if you want to see more of them, and I'll see you in my next story! This is Matt Cipher signing out!**


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